Adopting Seven Simple Ways

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adoptee, Adoptee Recovery, Brain Gym, Love, Mindfulness, outdoors, Self-Care, self-esteem, Stretching, Two-week commitment, Water

You can never love another person unless you are equally involved in the beautiful but difficult spiritual work of learning to love yourself. John O’Donohue: Anam Cara

Santa Fe, New Mexico is my home town. When I first moved here in the 1960s, the “City Different” was full of healers. We had primal scream therapy, past life regression, aura balancing, astrologers. Now, years later, the options have expanded. We have health practitioners of all kinds: specialists in acupuncture, reiki, western medicine, oriental medicine, Alexander Technique, yoga of every imaginable variety, therapy dogs, healing through horses. You name it, we’ve got it!

It was refreshing, therefore to attend a recent lecture by mental health counselor who presented easy, basic ways to “stay in tune.” Santa Fean Ishwari Sollohub (www.ishwari.org) suggested the following simple but powerful steps:

1. Morning Stretch/Hug: Before getting out of bed in the morning, take a moment to
   

   Be your own best friend.

   just be with yourself. Stretch your arms and legs, reaching as far as is comfortable. Feel the vertebrae in your back lining up for the day. Then sit up, hold a pillow to your chest, close your eyes and notice that you are breathing. Now, give yourself a hug, saying “Good morning (your name), thanks for taking a minute to just be. Let today be about learning to love – myself and others.

2. Notes to Self: Keep a small notepad with you during the day. Whenever you have an insight or question, jot it down. Journal or write about your insights; research your questions on the Internet, in books, or by talking with a trusted friend.

3. Water Ritual: Once a day, make a ritual of drinking an extra glass of water. As you swallow, take a moment to acknowledge this small act of self care. It may be helpful to do this just before or after a habit you already have (feeding the dog/cat etc.). You can post a note somewhere as a reminder. If you like, use a special beautiful glass for this ritual.

4. Breathe and Move: Get outdoors and breathe. Be mindful of breathing in and out as you walk to the door. Let the air cleanse and refresh you, resetting your mood if needed.

5. Brain Gym: While standing or sitting, reach your right hand (or elbow) across your body and touch your left knee as you raise the knee; do the same with the left hand (or elbow) on the right knee, as if you are marching. Repeat for about two minutes. While you are doing this remind yourself of all the things you are doing to improve your well being.

6. Notice the choices you make throughout the day. Whether you choose the “good” thing or the “bad” thing is less important than actually noticing that you have a choice. Try intentionally saying “yes” to something healthy and “no” to something unhealthy. Pat yourself on the back for paying attention to your choices.

7. Food and Sleep: Be aware of your eating and sleeping patterns. These basic functions are a big part of your well being. If either is troublesome, it may be time to make some changes. If you now what you need to do, start it. If you need help, reach out to get it.

Counselor Ishwari concludes her recommendations, “There you have it: a few simple things to try. By engaging in these small acts of self-care, you are taking responsibility for your own well being; you are learning to actively love yourself. The more often you repeat these gestures, the more you will get from the effort.”

It doesn’t need to be complicated, elaborate or expensive to bring about a difference in your life! Commit to do at least three of the above practices for at least two weeks. More if possible, but at least three. Following Ishwar’s recommendation, put reminders on your calendar. I’ve committed to this practice. I invite you, dear Readers, to do likewise. We are worth it.

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Note from Elaine:  I have two new books, one is a re-issue (From Calcutta with Love-The WWII Letters of Richard and Reva Beard), the other a novel (Hand of Ganesh). Publication dates to be announced. Stay tuned! In the meantime, please let me know if you try adopting the Seven Simple Ways. I’d love to hear from you!

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If You Could Whisper in the Ear…

Tags

adoption, adoptive parents, Authenticity, birthparents, Curiosity, self-esteem, Time travel

…of your teenage self, what advice would you offer? Here’s what I would say if I could travel through time and encourage the younger Elaine…

Bryce Canyon, 1970-Smiling on the outside

Dear Me,
Quit feeling embarrassed because you are an adopted daughter!
I notice that your parents Richard and Reva seem afraid to let anyone know that you aren’t their biological offspring. WHY they hide that important truth is anyone’s guess. I’ll keep saying this until you believe it: Being adopted is nothing to cover up.You can tell anyone you like. I give you permission.
Dear young Elaine, why not ask your Mom and Dad (calling them “Richard and Reva” sounds a bit unfriendly) how you came to be their daughter? You might actually be doing them a favor. They will not send you back to foster care, I guarantee. True, when you asked your new Mom about your “real” mother, she got tears in her eyes and said “I’m your real mother and you’re my REAL daughter.” Yes, I know you wanted to die just then. But your question was OK.
Don’t be afraid to keep up with the questions. They might act hurt and disappointed at first but they will get over it! They chose you and your brother Johnny and they mean to keep you.
I know that you have a lot of guilt about snooping in your adopted Dad’s files, trying to find letters from your birthfather, trying to learn what happened during the first five years of your life- the time before you became the college professor’s daughter. You were reprimanded and now no one will talk about it. I know you are afraid, that you feel guilty and traitorous, and I understand that you are very nervous about revealing your curiosity. Believe it or not, this is the perfect time for you to ask those burning questions. Think Pandora’s Box minus the negative consequences.

1980s-A cheery facade hid my inner melancholy

I see that you basically hate the way you look. Stop! Desist! Quit raking yourself over the coals! Even though you think losing a few pounds will make you happier, it will not. You are beautiful from the inside out. Your smile is one that inspires people to smile back. Dry your tears and spend time in nature. It is to become your haven.
In closing, I urge you to shift your perspective from shame to self-respect. Take pride in the fact that you survived the jolt of being “transplanted” when you were just past four years old. You did nothing wrong in being born to a mother who was unable (or unwilling) to parent. It will not serve you well to remain silent about the questions that haunt your every waking hour. Writing about these concerns is good, but it is not enough. Ask and demand answers. Don’t be afraid to be identified as the adopted daughter. Dear younger me, please know that you are lovable just the way you are.

The Goodbye Baby gives an insider view of growing up adopted.

 

Dueling with Demons

Tags

abandonment, adoptee, adoption, memoir, positive thinking, private demons, self-esteem

In her book The Primal Wound, Nancy Verrier discusses the invisible injuries of

Edgar represents the dark side- fear of eternal abandonment/ Photos by Beth Stephens

adoption. No matter how nurturing the adoptive parents, the adopted child feels the pangs of what seemed like abandonment. Because of my post-WWII closed adoption, I’ve harbored “separation wounds” for many years.
In my case, the thinking has gone like this: “If you love someone, he (or she) will abandon you.” First, my birthmother, then the men in my life. The symbolic bad boyfriend of my entire life is a disagreeable character I call Edgar.
I met this DEMON when we were both young, he stayed with me during two marriages, and he hovered over me when, between two marriages, I dated reasonable, basically good men. Edgar managed to ruin everything. Herewith, an excerpt from The Goodbye Baby-A Diary about Adoption…

Whenever I think I have finally been healed from the wounds of adoption, life serves up a reminder that I am not. It is the opposite of “looking through rose-colored glasses.” When one looks through the glasses of being adopted, everyday events are reminders of loss, betrayal, or abandonment. Through reading all my diaries, I became very aware of the unremitting prevalence of “adoption bruises.”
There are metaphors I find helpful in understanding the wounds of my adoption, including disease and death at sea. When troubled by having grown up as an adopted child, I let insecurity and self-doubt take root. Reason eludes me. I have given that negative emotional state a name—Edgar. Like burning flames, Edgar is fueled by his own energy. Like fire, he feeds on everything, which he transforms into negative thoughts about my past, present, future. Edgar is a demonic artist who paints the world in stark tones of black and gray. Like a disease, Edgar undermines my physical well-being. Edgar lurks, waiting to arise when I am feeling healthy and balanced. When my spirit starts to wane, he is poised for the kill.
Edgar is always keeping score. His message to me: To be considered worthy of living, I have to prove myself “good” every day. If I do not, I might, metaphorically speaking, be sent to an orphanage. Never mind that I lived in foster care for only the first few years of my life. No matter that I should be well over the feelings of abandonment from that difficult beginning.
Fire burns everything in its path. Self-destructive memories add to Edgar’s growing

Fighting the demon: a do-it-yourself project!

stockpile of ammunition. Edgar thrives on drama and misfortune, not just mine, but the world’s. As a disease, the dormant, carcinogenic Edgar lurks until a failure or dashed hope comes along. Given this rocky life journey, the arrival of fresh calamity does not take long. Disappointment appears and then malaise sets in, a pervasive feeling of things being awry. My stomach feels queasy, my shoulders ache, and my limbs are leaden. “Uh oh. Here’s Edgar,” I think to myself.
There is the Death at Sea Edgar. I am managing to feel on top of things, treading water or perhaps just swimming along. As in the movie “Jaws,” a painful memory or a nagging doubt comes bubbling up to the surface and threatens to devour me. Though it looks like a shark, it is just a blow-up plastic, pretend monster. Unlike a toy, it is powerful and aggressive. The higher it rises, the larger and stronger it becomes. In order not to drown, I must punch down the Shark Edgar, beating him into submission so he will sink beneath the waves. But being Edgar, he keeps rising up.
The best solution for the Disease or Death at Sea Edgar is to walk my labyrinth, to meditate, or to take a short hike in the hills near my home. Action and movement allow me to change gears, to keep from going down “the slippery slide.”
This circuitous path led to liberation, and the ability to begin the second part of my life. Ultimately, this path yielded resolution to the enigma of my own personal labyrinth.
The adoptee paradox: How to acquire the skill to beat down the blues, the sadness that never completely vanishes? Taking arms against one’s adoption issues requires vigilance, determination, and maybe even resignation. Ultimately, I had to accept Edgar, “adopting” him as the ugly monster that will never be tamed but must be kept in his place. That way, we can both live.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do!

Tags

adoptee, freedom, recovery, self-esteem, the power of dreams

First of all, I must clarify: I’m not talking about breaking up with bad boyfriends. Been there, done that. In my memoir The Goodbye Baby: A Diary about Adoption, I chronicled the painful dissolution of relationships that never should have been forged in the first place. This is a different kind of break-up. I’m speaking about letting go of a bad childhood, of truly breaking the habit of (intentional or not) “Victimhood.”

Last night I had a terrifying nightmare. The setting: a closet. Time: Morning, any day. Action: Deciding what to put on. Except for a final garment, I was dressed and ready to face the world After donning a random cardigan, I realized that it was all wrong. Help! I had to be somewhere! Before leaving the closet, I was determined to remove the wretched sweater, which by now had shrunk into a tight, ugly bolero.The garment became painfully confining. As I struggled, its evil embrace grew stronger. My sweater was trying to kill me; the only escape was to wake up. With a relief, I did just that. As I wrote in my journal, I saw how the sweater symbolized my emotional entrapment. I literally woke up to my need to free myself.

It’s easy to announce to yourself that you’re over hangups, harder to make a public “confession,” as I did in The Goodbye Baby, but nearly impossible to really be over those negative ways of reacting. My overactive adoptee mind, so used to uber-interpretation of EVERYTHING, can hardly stand a lack of drama. And what better occasion for drama than a bout of loneliness or an imagined slight or pangs of self-consciousness? I seem particularly good at finding those occasions, or maybe they find me.

Let’s imagine that you’re happy. (But you have the overactive mind of an adoptee). The form of depression that in my book I’ve called “Edgar” wakes up and starts pawing the ground. Edgar wants action! The Edgar inner demon asks “Is this really Elaine’s life? How can this be HER life if everything is just humming along, sort of mellow and OK?” I, Edgar the omnipresent and all-powerful, cannot allow this. How dare Elaine feel happy? I’m here to rain on her parade! I’m keeping score and she loses. ”

I say, “Enough already!” I have become a victim against victimhood. Adopted or not, adoptive or birth parent, child or adult, I invite you to join the ranks.