Best Friends Forever

Tags

Adopted daughter, Friendship, N.M., New York, Renewal, Santa Fe, Santa Fe on Foot, St. John's College

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”
– Marcel Proust

“Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It’s not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.”
– Muhammad Ali

“Anything is possible when you have the right people there to support you.”
— Misty Copeland

It’s been said that friends are those rare people who ask how you are and wait to hear the answer. Throughout my long life, I’ve been lucky enough to have friends who genuinely listen. Apparently I’m a good listener, because it seems that they use me for a sounding board as well. The better friends we are, the more fine-tuned the listening.

Over the past decade of blogging, I’ve seldom written about Friendship, a topic dear to me. Now’s the time! Their names have all been changed, but everything else is true. Of all my friends of the past, Rebecca comes most vividly to mind. We were both writers, both single mothers, both associated with St. John’s College in Santa Fe, New Mexico…Our lives were in transition, we were going through similar passages.
I met Rebecca in 1983 at a book and author reception at St. John’s College. She was writing young adult novels for Scholastic Publishers and I was a freelance journalist who dreamed of getting a book published. She worked for St. John’s in the Admissions Office; I was a student in the Graduate Institute. Our children — her son and daughter and my two sons — were the same ages. I admired her ability to juggle a job, motherhood and writing books. She respected my juggling act, which included training for and running marathons. She understood my issues about being an adopted daughter. We were both also dating men who were friends. We celebrated holidays together, hiked and camped, immersed ourselves in the life or our city, Santa Fe: we were a family.

Rebecca inspired me to proceed with plans for a guidebook featuring walks, runs and bike routes around Santa Fe. She believed in me and my project; thanks to her encouragement, I found an independent Santa Fe publisher.l The result: Santa Fe on Foot appeared in 1986 and it has been in publication, updated every few years, ever since. Meanwhile, Rebecca sought a job that would take her closer to the New York publishing world. She landed one with the City University of New York. She and her children moved to the east coast, ending our wonderful proximity but not the friendship. Shortly after her move, Rebecca met the love or her life, Daniel. They married and began an enviable life of work, adventure and travel.

For thirty years, Rebecca and I kept in touch and spoke about getting together. Years slipped away, and it didn’t happen. It took a tragedy to reunite us. Daniel died, very suddenly, two years ago in May. The sudden loss brought Rebecca and Elaine back to a former closeness. Knowing how challenging it would be to face Christmas alone, I invited myself to spend the holiday with her. It was as though no time at all had passed. The time and distance between us fell away and as we shared the magic of New York at Christmas time. We renewed a friendship that ran deep, and it took on a new life. Truly BFFs. And thank you, dear readers, for listening.

Adopting a New Year

Tags

adoptee, Albany, Friendship, Holidays, New Mexico, Niverville, Remembering, Renewal, Santa Fe, The New Year, Travel, Upstate New York

I’ve always believed that if you want to see where you’re going, it’s advisable to see where you’ve been. This holiday season allowed me to do just that…

I’m in love with a new part of America! (New to me, that is.) My friend Deborah Aydt Marinelli, a soul sister with whom I spent years of my much younger life,invited me to spend Christmas holiday with her in Niverville, New York. Because my sons and grandchildren wouldn’t be coming to visit until the end of December, I decided “Why not?” It would be only the second time I hadn’t spent Christmas in Santa Fe. The first time was when I travelled to India to research a novel. (That’s Clara and The Hand of Ganesha, to be completed in 2019).
Deborah is one of my most brilliant and accomplished friends. She’s a PhD in literature, a professor, world traveler, author of over a dozen books, mostly young adult novels. After losing her beloved husband Larry in the spring of 2018, she came to Santa Fe, New Mexico, to revisit old, formerly familiar places. We spent time together. Our mutual Santa Fe years, in the 70s and 80s, had created in us a deep bond, one that survived the 30 years that had passed since we’d last seen each other face to face. She knew my children when they were in elementary school; I considered her son and daughter as part of my own family.

Kinderhook Lake from Deborah’s window

When I accepted her gracious invitation to visit for Christmas, I fully expected to help her with estate and business matters. Having been through the process of losing a husband, I would be the supportivel amanuensis. Instead of that scenario, however, she treated me to a tour of the area around her hometown of Niverville, New York.
We enjoyed a magical performance of The Nutcracker in Albany. Other days found us at a matinee of the new Mary Poppins movie, and a beautiful program of Lessons and Carols at a Dutch Reform Church. I went with her to a Friends meeting in Chatham, we relished lunches at little general stores and country inns, feasted on shepherd’s pie at the Beckman Arms Inn in Rhinebeck, New Yorkthrough. The Beekman Arms has hosted many luminaries throughout the centuries, including President George Washington. Deborah invited nine of her friends on the 25th and we enjoyed a magnificent turkey dinner with lavish trimmings.

The Egg Performance Space in Albany, NY

After Christmas day, we traveled by car, bus and the subway to meet a friend for lunch in New York City. After lunch, we walked all over Greenwich Village and the West End, including along the iconic Highline. We passed by the former brownstone apartment of poet Edna St. Vincent Millay, popped into galleries, found post-Christmas 80% off sales at small boutiques. Two sweaters for the price of one? Who could resist?
We drove through the countryside to attend events.The rolling land around Niverville and Albany is lovely. Forests, farmland, fields of sheep and llamas: a refreshing change from the high desert environment of northern New Mexico. We passed by the home of Robert Frost, Bard College, the Culinary Institute of America (CIA), the Village of Red Hook. Many villages, boroughs, and hamlets exist cheek and jowl in this corner of our country. Except for the often overcast skies of Winter (I’ve resided in the sunny Southwest too long), I could live there quite happily.

The Beekman Arms in Rhinebeck, NY

Nine days flew by. The visit, all too soon, came to an end. The best part had been reuniting with Deborah. I invited her to the sunny Southwest for Christmas 2019, and we vowed to keep in closer touch throughout the year. I’ve always believed that if you want to see where you’re going, it’s advisable to see where you’ve been. This holiday season allowed me to do just that. Discovering upstate New Year, an old friendship made new again, walking around The Big Apple: all of this comprised a grand finale to 2018.
May YOUR 2019 be full of health, happiness, prosperity and productivity. May we bridge the gaps with those who do not share our beliefs. As Gandhi put it, may we be the change we wish to bring. HAPPY NEW YEAR one and all!

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What was the best part of your holiday? Feedback invited! Join Elaine on alternate Mondays for reflections on life as seen through adoption colored glasses.

The Path to Serenity

Tags

adoption, Dealing with Adoption, Hiking, loss, Neighbors, Paths and Trails, Renewal, serenity

“Only when you are on foot are you really there.”    -Goethe

We adoptees who are now adults are supposedly “over” adoption issues.

Atalaya Mountain, 9121 feet

Nature shrine in memory of Ruth

While I believe this in theory, I know that when the road gets rough, the old angst comes back for a cameo appearance. The same tiresome crew: feelings of melancholy, loneliness, impatience and frustration.

Think in terms of life as a journey. Now that it’s almost Fall, I look back on the route I traveled last summer. Most of the season was a smooth highway, but the past two weeks resembled a dusty, rugged washer board of a back road. At the end of August, my neighbor Ruth died rather suddenly. True, she was a month away from turning 95, a ripe old age in anyone’s book. But the fact that I lived next door to her for 40 years, the fact that I was planning to visit her once again for one of our quarterly  coffee klatches and the harsh fact that, all of a sudden, a visit was no longer possible left me flat. I’ll admit it: Even though I know about necessary and inevitable losses, the old abandonment issues kicked in.

I’ve discovered a solution: I take myself outdoors.

Those of you who’ve been following my blog know that I’m all about not only adoption but also the curative power of nature. When life becomes hard to take, I take to the trails: anywhere outdoors that will provide a walk in the woods, a view of the mountains,
walking, strolling, rambling, climbing in a beautiful spot.

This is one thing I’ve learned. Whenever I feel stuck, down or dissatisfied, nature lifts me out of myself and helps me achieve an “attitude adjustment.” I recommend this for lifting the spirits, overcoming writer’s block, or recharging your emotional batteries.

I live near mountains in the scenic Southwest, but no matter where you are, there are sure to be are lovely places. While not necessarily a permanent solution, hiking and walking can definitely make the world seem brighter.

Join Elaine every Monday for insights on adoption and life.

The End is the Beginning

Tags

adoptee, Adoption recovery, labyrinth, Labyrinth Resource Group, Liberation, Renewal, Summer Solstice, Walking

The sun reminds us to open our hearts to life and love.

As a “recovering adoptee,” I welcome every opportunity to break loose from adoption issues. My favorite way to achieve a fresh attitude is walking the circular path, the labyrinth. On June 21, I went to a late afternoon Summer Solstice Walk. The event was sponsored by the Labyrinth Resource Group in Santa Fe, NM. Perfect conditions: mild temperature, clear view of surrounding foothills and mountains, a congenial group of labyrinth enthusiasts, live harp music. The sun just setting. Before we entered the circular path, we read the following inspirational poem, contributed by poet Mary Ann Wamhoff and written to “celebrate the infusion of light from the summer sun.” In honor of the new season, I present her reflections…

Solar Power
We’re heading toward the Light
drawn toward the Light
entering this longest day
reaching for fullness of being
gravitating to it
just like a phototropic plant!
consciously leaving behind any darkness
leaving all darkness behind
any pettiness, stuckness
any narrow-mindedness, prejudgments
“my-way-or-no-way” attitudes
“I-can’t-do-this” points of view
releasing what is passing away
the unproductive
any hindrance to our becoming full, rich, complete
releasing duality, either/or, distractions
limited notions
Just let it go.
Let it all go–
what is old, past, done, less-than-useful
killing creativity
strangling our spirits
fearful, selfish, withered, dry, dissonant, dim

Walking the Labyrinth is a good practice for every season.

We’re standing in the longest Light
receiving its Goodness
Just like a plant, needing it to grow
to become who we really are
receiving the Love it contains
absorbing All Life
letting this warmth penetrate each cell, aspect, fragment, facet of our Being
taking it in
holding it close and dear
allowing it to work its Mystery
to have its way within us
becoming new, remade
We are rising from the depths of despair and hopelessness
embracing all Good
embracing this Light

embracing this brightness
merging with trust, truth, joy, fullness of possibilities

We’re returning with Light
shining!
emerging with Life!
Love to share
ready to be instruments of this Brightness
this Sweet energy
and focus it
to dispel any darkness
carrying Abundance
effusing this Power
stars walking here on Earth!

The labyrinth is simple: One enters, walks to the center, pauses to pray or meditate, turns the opposite direction, then walks out. Walking the labyrinth is a way to get in touch with who you really are, to bring insights to bear on your life. As I journey toward wholeness and freedom from past invisible wounds of adoption, I realize the wisdom of the labyrinth. The door that closes opens to an “infusion of light” and a fresh start.

Join Elaine every Monday for reflections on adoption and life.

 

 

Are You a Girl Who Went Away?

Tags

adoptee, birthmother, Reclaiming, Renewal, Restoration, Younger Self

Are You a Girl Who Went Away?

The best book I’ve read this summer is Ann Fessler’s The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades before Roe v Wade. Written by an adult adoptee, it comprises interviews with birthmothers separated from their children. All true stories, many of them are heartbreaking. Instead of writing a review, however, I chose to use the title as a springboard for today’s post.

Specifically, it’s that “went away” part. As an adoptee who’s long struggled to feel authentic, I realize that for years, I had forgotten the small, cherished part of myself—the “Little Me” within.

As I learn more about what it is like for other adoptees, especially women, I have come to feel that in a way, women adoptees are all “girls who went away.” We went away from being the adorable children who knew they were precious and lovable. If we were adopted by good parents, as I was, we felt that we had to please. Secretly afraid that we might not be good enough, we endeavored to be perfect.

There is no way to take back the years that slipped away between the girl of yesterday and now, but is never too late for a fresh start. The hard part is to recapture that girl within, the lovable self who was drowned out by years of self neglect.

After reading The Goodbye Baby, my diary/memoir that speaks of recovery from adoption issues, my scientist son commented that we never really get over the past. What happened cannot be re-written. Or, as a Stephen King character commented, “What’s done is done and can’t be undone.” My son and Stephen King are not totally correct. While not underestimating the power of the past, it is with hope that I feel we can transform its influence.

That said, I also believe that one’s outlook is a do-it-yourself project. Perspective is the result not just of the events of one’s life but of what one makes of what happens. Having spent many years imagining myself as the “victim” of a bad beginning, my patterns of reacting negatively were deeply ingrained.

If “she” has escaped from you, it takes courage to reclaim that girl within, the younger,

Cause, Baby, “Look at you Now!”

more optimistic YOU. Thanks to joining an extensive online “adoption community,” I’ve learned to put my reactions in perspective. Reclaiming oneself: hard labor, but work worth doing!

NOTE: If you are a male adoptee, I would love to hear from you. Your journey may have presented itself to you in a different way, but it could enlighten “the girls who went away.” Please comment, and I promise to write back.