Adopting Hope in the Face of Mortality

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appreciation, Attitude, Books, Cats, Friendship, Guest Posting, Hope, Mortality, Parkinson's Disease, Spontaneity, writing

Note from Elaine: Today’s guest blogger, Peggy van Hulsteyn is one of my most successful writer friends.  For the last 15 years, she has been battling  Parkinson’s Disease, and yet
she continues to write charming books and contribute inspiring pieces to the Michael J. Fox Foundation website. I hope you, Dear Reader, will find her essay as uplifting as I do.

WHEN YOUR MORTALITY CALLS, DON’T HANG  UP

-Peggy van Hulsteyn

The first time my Mortality called, I refused to answer. When the old Crone rang me up again, I told her to buzz off; she had the wrong number.

The third time she called she did away with the niceties.  Her message was brutally clear: “You have Parkinson’s disease.”

Who was this obnoxious Nosey Parker? Had she just escaped from the home for the bewildered? Could it be Yvonne, my former agent, taunting me while she imbibed the tawny Port wine favored by the Royal Braganza family of Portugal?

When I thought about it in retrospect, the mix-up was obvious. When you have a name like Peggy van Hulsteyn, people are always confusing you with the multitude of other females of the same name.

I responded: “There’s been a mistake. I know nothing about a disease called Parkinson’s. Leave me alone or I’ll report you to the local authorities!” (I had no idea what that meant, but it sounded menacing.)

So, did she politely beg off? Are you kidding? Instead, she put me on speed dial.
But I couldn’t ignore the scary seeds she had planted in my mind. Surreptitiously,  I visited three neurologists, assuming that they would tell me to ignore this hoax.

The most disconcerting thing is that the old biddy turned out to be right. I did indeed have PD! Was she one of Santa Fe’s many clairvoyants? Is it possible I had misjudged this situation?

After months of her nagging, I had an epiphany.  Ms Mortality was not the enemy, but actually a friend! Her diagnosis of Parkinson’s was a wake-up call telling me it was later than I thought. She spoke the Truth and was an unexpected cheer leader, not a naysayer. Her mantra of  “Don’t postpone joy” resonated down to my core.

I was the worst type of convert once I joined  her “Time is Short” band wagon. I am continually challenging my fellow baby boomers to plunge head first into the carpe diem pool.

I am happy to report that I am taking my own advice. I had always wanted to
have a Nancy Drew party, but felt I was too old. When I got PD, I thought “Who cares?”  So last week my favorite chums donned their best frocks and we all played girl detective while enjoying a delicious ‘50s style dinner from The Nancy Drew Cookbook. It was my best party ever.
More from the “Time is Short” list:

Don’t leap into the future; treat the present as a present.

Don’t wait for Christmas to give presents.
I bestow gifts all year round, but during the holidays I am pro-active and
work for the cure. There are many excellent PD research groups.  I have an affinity for the Michael J Fox Foundation, as Michael is short and funny, and so am I.
Be discreet about accepting invitations.  Use the word NO frequently.  Spend your time doing what you love.
I savor writing, quality time with my witty husband, having quiet lunches with dear friends. Easy traveling. Books.
Remember that little things mean a lot.
A couple of decades ago, my husband and I rescued two tiny kittens who had been dumped by the side of the road the day after Xmas.  I hadn’t planned to keep them.  But I did, and wrote three of my favorite books about them! Never has there been so much love and devotion in such small packages; for 18 years they were devoted friends who purred us through the ups and downs.
Maintain  your creativity.
On those days when it is hard to get out of bed, DON’T!!  Instead, picture  yourself as Colette who did most of her writing in bed. Whether you’re penning Gigi or writing Xmas cards, turn the experience on its head. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself,  think of your day in bed as a step toward more originality.
Carpe Diem – Seize the Day!
Don’t dwell on the past and how wonderful you were – you are still spectacular!  Don’t leap into the future; treat the present as a present. It’s a call to cultivate your garden, gather your roses and your friends, hug your cat, turn off the TV and turn on Vivaldi, write a poem, learn French, read Auntie Mame, and embrace its message to “live, live, live.”

BIOGRAPHY OF THE AUTHOR

Peggy van Hulsteyn, the author of ten books,  has written for  Yoga Journal (American and Chinese version), The Washington Post, The Los Angeles Times, USA Today and six international editions of Cosmopolitan. Her most recent book, THE KITTEN INVASION, is a romp that reviewers call “wonderfully witty  and original.”
.  For more information,www. pdhatlady.com

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Adoptee Stories —>Share YOURS

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adoptee, adoption, Celebrating Adoption, Contest, Guest Posting, memoir, national adoption month, Pros and Cons, Reflections

This Fall, I am inviting first person stories to my site.

When the publisher of The Goodbye Baby suggested a Goodreads book giveaway, I seized the opportunity to relaunch my memoir. Rather than”A Diary about Adoption,” it would now be subtitled “Adoptee Diaries.” The book comprises four decades of my personal journals as I came of age, as I accepted the reality that the wounds of adoption had to be healed. It’s been a fascinating journey, one that has shaped my life and continues to impact future writing.
In that spirit, I am opening the door to the adoption stories of others. These must be first person accounts, submitted online (see instructions below). They can be written from the point of view of the adoptee him or herself, parents wanting to adopt a child, birthparents searching or in reunion with their biological children.
The submission period runs throughout the rest of September and early October. Acceptance for publication is up to the editor. During the five Mondays of November, I’ll publish the best of the stories, and I will also send you a present (one of my published books) by snail mail.
If you’re adopted, here are the questions to consider:
* How old were you when you were adopted?
* Was it an open or closed adoption?
* Were siblings adopted with you?
* In what ways has growing up adopted affected you? Why? Or, if being adopted has not affected you, why not?
* Did you meet your biological parents, and if so, how did that go?
* Do you feel that adoptions be open? Why or why not?
* What misconceptions about adoption have you encountered?
* What is the most positive aspect of your personal adoption? Negatives?

Story entries may also include accounts from those who want to adopt a baby or older child, birthmother/birthfather experiences, accounts by adoptive parents.

Your personal account can range from 250 to 400 words. Please edit carefully before submission. Avoid an angry or accusatory tone; keep your approach conversational. Humor is always welcome. Remember that your story may make all the difference to readers who might be struggling with “being adopted issues.” Deadline is October 20. The top five submissions will appear on TheGoodbyeBaby website during November, which is also National Adoption Month. Please indicate whether or not you grant permission for use of your piece in a future book.

Along with your story, include a brief bio and a cameo photo. E-mail queries and submissions to deardiaryreadings@me.com.

Are You Listening?

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adoption, birthmother, Children's Author, Communication, Dealing with Adoption, Guest Posting, Personal development

Note from Elaine: Adoption issues, my theme for the past several years, has allowed me to focus beyond “recovery” and move toward ways of reaching a more fulfilling life. To listen more to others and less to the same tired song of myself. Guest blogger Pat Goehe, past contributor to The Goodbye Baby, knows a lot about the art of communication.

If you’re always talking, how can you hear?

*********
ARE YOU LISTENING?- PART ONE
To begin this posting, I must tell you that over the years I have taught semester courses in listening. Additionally, the numerous courses in Interpersonal Communication that we all teach in my field contain major units in listening. Why must I tell you this? Because it is extremely difficult for me to narrow the topic down to briefer comments. But I will try!
Whether it’s a class or a speech I usually give demonstrations (because I continue to be an actress!) of three commonly observed interactions where supposedly we are listening. First we have what the psychologist Tournier called “dialogue of the deaf”; others refer to it as “talking past each other.” What happens here are people who believe they are communicating with each other, but often a person will ask a question , then is immediately formulating another question before the recipient can complete responding to the first inquiry. Another example of this type of listening problem is where one person in the conversation is talking. The listener hears a “trigger word or phrase”. Example: Sue says “I made the greatest recipe last night. It was….” And before she can complete this statement, Mary says “Oh my gosh! I forgot to take out the frozen chops I’m planning to fix tonight”. While both Sue and Mary think they are listening to each other, they are engaged in the dialogue of the deaf.
Next we have the type of listening where one person, or maybe both, listens only to dispute/argue whatever has been said. That is debating, not listening!

Tomorrow: PART TWO of “Are You Listening”

Pat Goehe is a children’s author and birthmother. Her newest book is Annemarie and Boomer wait for Grandma.

Adopt, Adapt

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adoption, Gratitude, Guest Posting, Hurricane Katrina, Mother and Daughter, Natural disasters, Relocating

Editor’s Note: The following guest blog was contributed by Mary Bonney a remarkable, courageous woman who left New Orleans because of the damage from Hurricane Katrina and relocated to Santa Fe, New Mexico. It is a story of water – both destructive and healing – and of what it means to adopt a new home.

Mary Bonney had to start life over again.

“The biggest lesson I learned from losing one home and landing in another, is gentle acceptance of our physical space.”- Mary Bonney

Rain meant something quite different in Santa Fe, NM

The sounds on the roof woke me up, and as I lay there, bewildered and half asleep trying to figure out just what ‘that noise’ was, I realized – it was rain!
Sweet, soothing rain, the gentle spatter of noise on windows, the deeper swooshing noise of it rushing out of the gutter, and the more distinct pings as drops hit a pipe on the roof.
Desert rain, blessed and necessary water.  Water, out of context, in my newly adopted home of Santa Fe and such a profoundly different meaning it had here, than in my old home of New Orleans.  From there, from WATER, I fled. Just a few months before, on the day the hurricane hit, hundreds of thousands of people, myself included, whose lives were changed by water.
And here, now, sitting in the dark, tears streaming down my face as I recognize a forgotten sound, and note the difference of emotion it brings to me on this still night, my two year old daughter snuggled up next to me, finally asleep after the evening ritual of tears before bedtime.  I am grateful the sounds don’t wake her, and wonder how long it will take for her to get used to our new home, our new life.  At two years old, she can hardly articulate the pain and confusion and loss that she feels, that we feel, and the almost unspeakable fear of not knowing exactly how to start over in a new place full of strangers, of brown ground and brown homes – so very different from the bright purples and sky blues and warm oranges of our former neighborhood.  So she cries, always, and I carry her with me everywhere, as we navigate new terrain.  I find an art therapist for her, since she is too young to speak her thoughts, this gentle woman coaxes color and form out of her psyche, and with that, and time, finally – finally – her tears stop.

There are days, the earlier days, when I took it ’15 minutes at a time’.  If I could make it through those minutes, I could breathe and not give up, and perhaps do another 15 more.
Adopting a new life, I guess like adoption of any kind, is about acceptance and appreciation.  To be grateful for life, the most humble act of waking up to each new day, is a cornerstone of happiness for most people, and beyond that is what we make of it, I think.  Our own personal criteria for ‘success’ is our business and falls under the category of ‘to each their own’ in my book.  But the biggest lesson I learned, from losing one home and landing in another, is gentle acceptance of our physical space. That first rain, in Santa Fe, was at once foreign yet familiar; it rained almost daily during many seasons in New Orleans and one of the biggest shocks from moving to Santa Fe was the lack of rain – the DRY.  I hated it. I hated the dust and the cracked wood and the dirt.  Now I love the landscape, and the amazing desert flowers that seemingly bloom out of air. I was thinking the other day that I haven’t seen my umbrella in months and months, and the immediate thought after that was that in my past life I never went a day without an umbrella in my bag.  But the same sky that used to drench our streets every afternoon with downpours instead now offers me immense sunshine and joyous blue skies.  

One of my favorite quotes is by Robert Southwell, and it is
Not where I breathe, but where I love, I live; Not where I love, but where I am, I die”

I thought of this often, as I transitioned from one home to another – our journey on Earth is not defined but where we live, but what we hold in our hearts.  Our joy, our pain, our essence, is what moves with us, anywhere and with anyone. It is the power of ourselves to adapt, and to adopt – it is the energy of angels, and we have it as well.

-Mary and her daughter Lily celebrate Mardi Gras in Santa Fe, NM

Mary was born in Belgium, and ended up in New Orleans via a life path that journeyed through Missouri, California, Texas and New York City. Her 14 years as a gallerist continue in Santa Fe, as does community leadership as past President of Artsmart, the Canyon Road Merchants Association, and currently serving as a Mayor appointed Board Member of the Occupancy Tax Advisory Board for the City of Santa Fe. Her most treasured role is being Lily’s mom.