Adoptee Reunions: Be Prepared for EVERYTHING

Tags

Adopted daughter, adoption, birthmother, Memorial, Pat Goehe, reunion

Note from Elaine: Guest blogger Pat Goehe passed away last month. She was loved and appreciated by a host of friends in Santa Fe, New Mexico and around the country. To honor her memory, we are republishing one of her contributions to The Goodbye Baby website. For Pat, meeting her daughter for the first time after 32 years was a life-changing experience.

Birthmother/daughter reunion – Pat knew the day would come and it did!

In Pat’s words…

As I think about the reunion with my daughter after she found me, the thing that benefited me the most, was knowing that in fact she had been adopted by a wonderful couple.   Those who have read my original blog posts may remember I indicated  something had happened in one of my classes which made me wonder if my daughter had a negative experience similar to one of the students in that class.   So it was such a relief to meet her adopted parents and see that they were so wonderful.

I was pleasantly surprised at the time of the original reunion that she was involved in the arts, and that she had moved to California the very same year that I went there on a years’ sabbatical leave from my college.  Her field was music and also management and an agent for film composers.  I was dabbling in the film industry as well.   Another surprise was to discover we both were in love with the song from a Disney movie …. “somewhere out there….”    In fact, while celebrating one of my birthdays shortly after the reunion  at a favorite place, one of the singing waiters came and said there was another request for me.  He went on to say my daughter had called and requested it.  She knew I would be there that evening.

The old “nature or nurture” question was back in my mind.  At our very first meeting she ordered the same salad dressing I always do.  At one point where I excused myself to go to the restroom, she commented “So that’s where I get my pea sized bladder from!”.  And as originally talked about, when she called me for the first time, I couldn’t get over how much she seemed like me.  So much more than the daughter I had raised.  She’s also a “worry wart” like me, usually overbooked in the “to do” lists, and there’s no question that we are both sensitive, emotional people.

What advice can I give to adoptees or the birth parents seeking a reunion?  Be prepared for anything.   If you have a scenario developed where it’s a glorious reunion, it may not be.  If you have other children and you hope all will become one big happy family, that too may not be.  It hasn’t been in my case. If you are haunted by needing to know, then by all means search.  I hope you have a happy outcome.   To me, the not knowing was the most difficult of all.   I was prepared for whatever I would find, good or bad.  She found me,  and it has been good.  Perfect?  Is anything ever that?

Editor’s Note: Pat Goehe was a lifetime teacher who worked in all facets of communication and related arts. She taught students at the secondary and university level. Perhaps the most meaningful communication of her life, however, occurred when her daughter Linda, after decades of separation, contacted her. Pat was a frequent contributor to The Goodbye Baby website and the author of Annemarie and Boomer wait for Grandma and Annemarie Learns to Whistle. In keeping with National Adoption Month, we pay tribute this wonderful birthmother and to all birthmothers. Pat, you are missed!

Pat relaxes in Santa Fe’s Rose Garden Park

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Adoption Reunions: Be prepared for ANYTHING

Tags

adoption, birthmother, Finding, Nature, Nurture, reunion, Searching, separation

Note from Elaine: Guest blogger Pat Goehe is a frequent contributor to The Goodbye Baby website. Meeting her daughter for the first time after 32 years was a life-changing experience. It has been two years since she first wrote about their reunion (http://bit.ly/1M2dGlW). Pat is now moving forward with personal goals, specifically writing projects.

Birthmother/daughter reunion – Pat knew the day would come and it did!

In Retrospect…

As I think about the reunion with my daughter after she found me, the thing that benefited me the most, was knowing that in fact she had been adopted by a wonderful couple.   Those who have read my original blog posts may remember I indicated  something had happened in one of my classes which made me wonder if my daughter had a negative experience similar to one of the students in that class.   So it was such a relief to meet her adopted parents and see that they were so wonderful.

I was pleasantly surprised at the time of the original reunion that she was involved in the arts, and that she had moved to California the very same year that I went there on a years’ sabbatical leave from my college.  Her field was music and also management and an agent for film composers.  I was dabbling in the film industry as well.   Another surprise was to discover we both were in love with the song from a Disney movie …. “somewhere out there….”    In fact, while celebrating one of my birthdays shortly after the reunion  at a favorite place, one of the singing waiters came and said there was another request for me.  He went on to say my daughter had called and requested it.  She knew I would be there that evening.

The old “nature or nurture” question was back in my mind.  At our very first meeting she ordered the same salad dressing I always do.  At one point where I excused myself to go to the restroom, she commented “So that’s where I get my pea sized bladder from!”.  And as originally talked about, when she called me for the first time, I couldn’t get over how much she seemed like me.  So much more than the daughter I had raised.  She’s also a “worry wart” like me, usually overbooked in the “to do” lists, and there’s no question that we are both sensitive, emotional people.

What advice can I give to adoptees or the birth parents seeking a reunion?  Be prepared for anything.   If you have a scenario developed where it’s a glorious reunion, it may not be.  If you have other children and you hope all will become one big happy family, that too may not be.  It hasn’t been in my case. If you are haunted by needing to know, then by all means search.  I hope you have a happy outcome.   To me, the not knowing was the most difficult of all.   I was prepared for whatever I would find, good or bad.  She found me,  and it has been good.  Perfect?  Is anything ever that?

Editor’s Note: Pat Goehe is a lifetime teacher who’s worked in all facets of communication and related arts. She teaches students at the secondary and university level. Perhaps the most meaningful communication of her life, however, occurred when her daughter Linda, after decades of separation, contacted her. Pat is a frequent contributor to The Goodbye Baby website and the author of a children’s book Annemarie and Boomer wait for Grandma, the first in a series. In keeping with National Adoption Month, Pat reflects on her reunion with daughter Linda.

Pat relaxes in Santa Fe’s Rose Garden Park

Are You Listening- Part II

Tags

adoption, birthmother, Empathy, M.C. Escher, Nonverbal communication, Observing

Note from Elaine: Yesterday, guest blogger and birthmother Pat Goehe, explained how two people can seem to be communicating but are really “talking past each other.” In the second installment of her two-part post, she explains “in depth” listening and tells how we can be the empathetic listeners that so many of us need. What does this have to do with adoption? A lot! If we adoptees can learn to really listen, we can also learn to let the past be past and live within the confines of each day.

 

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Finally, we have in depth listening. This is where the people involved follow many of the things Elaine said in an earlier post on the topic. While no one can do this type of listening in every interaction he or she has, there are times when it would not be beneficial. For example, classes where one really needs to get the information to pass the class. Another would be “on the job” where one is getting trained or new information for a project. And if one tried to engage in depth listening in every interaction, the emotional involvement would simply be too much. It is in our most significant relationships we need to develop the in depth listening type.
Looking at the “listening process” there are several concepts that can and do affect the outcome. In my opinion the first is “noise”. There is physical noise like being ill, having a hangover (My students always loved that one!), allergies in certain seasons. Also being in a room that is too hot, stuffy, too cold, in a restaurant where there is so much talk it is difficult to converse with your dining companions; these are all examples of this type of noise. But often it is the “interior” noise that creates the biggest problem. Examples of this could be: You have a major paper due in two days and you haven’t started it yet ; someone in your family is having surgery or getting a diagnosis on some condition but you are at work and have to fulfill those duties; you are already behind in two house payments and have no idea what you’re going to do; your friend told you your husband is having an affair; you have been contemplating divorce for months but can’t make a decision; you’re concerned your parent has Alzheimer’s Disease. So many more examples. I know you can fill in many of your own. The point being, these types of “noise” most certainly interfere with listening even when you really want to listen.

There is a difference between hearing and listening!

The next concept from the process is “interpretation”. Actually noise is a part of this as well, but what it means is how you take in what has been said. A person I know visited me recently. Realizing it is best to stay away from political topics, and yet he thrives on them, I tried to comment on a recent news story. I thought surely it would be safe. But, before I could do anything more than identifying the story, he was in to “They set him up. They’re just out to get him like they do everything.” As I write this the Supreme Court just ruled on the health care program and the same sex marriage issue. I’m sure you have seen how that has evolved into major conflicts. This leads me into my favorite image which I usually post for students to explain this entire concept of communicating. It is the M.C. Escher print called “Bond of Union”. Basically there are two heads with ribbons connecting at some places and no connection with others. Both are also surrounded by little balls in the air. To me this is the best visual I have found which illustrates the various ideas I have presented in this blog. Each of us carries
inside our head all the experiences we have had in life. Remember that just because you came from the same family, your experiences can be different … the first child, the middle one etc. And while someone you are communicating with may have had their Mother die and you did too, it still is different. So in those relationships we really care about, it is necessary to “depth listen” to make the connections. It’s at times like this we often want to “fix the problem for the person”. We can only fix ourselves! But, we can be empathic, caring, depth listeners which so many of us need! To do this we must follow Elaine’s advice in the earlier piece. Listening/watching for the nonverbal aspects is SO IMPORTANT! There are subtle instances, faces getting red, looking away when discussing key aspects of a situation, the eyes tell us a lot. You can see I could write a whole blog on nonverbal communication, and yes, I taught semester courses in that too!
I always gave my students assignments on listening. One would be to observe others. Restaurants are great places to do this. I want them to watch for “dialogue of the deaf”, the argument type, and in depth listening. I also have them to commit to depth listening with a significant other. They come back reporting silly things having discovered Tournier knew what he was talking about. On the deep listening with a significant other, 99% of students reported that “other” would say, “What’s wrong?” “Are you okay?” “Are you sick?”. That suggests in a relationship that is very important in our life, there is not much “depth listening” happening.
I challenge each of you to do those assignments. We know for our sanity, we each must have at least one significant person in our lives who listens to us and we listen to them. Who is your person?

Pat Goehe is a children’s author and birthmother.Her newest book is Annemarie and Boomer wait for Grandma.

Are You Listening?

Tags

adoption, birthmother, Children's Author, Communication, Dealing with Adoption, Guest Posting, Personal development

Note from Elaine: Adoption issues, my theme for the past several years, has allowed me to focus beyond “recovery” and move toward ways of reaching a more fulfilling life. To listen more to others and less to the same tired song of myself. Guest blogger Pat Goehe, past contributor to The Goodbye Baby, knows a lot about the art of communication.

If you’re always talking, how can you hear?

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ARE YOU LISTENING?- PART ONE
To begin this posting, I must tell you that over the years I have taught semester courses in listening. Additionally, the numerous courses in Interpersonal Communication that we all teach in my field contain major units in listening. Why must I tell you this? Because it is extremely difficult for me to narrow the topic down to briefer comments. But I will try!
Whether it’s a class or a speech I usually give demonstrations (because I continue to be an actress!) of three commonly observed interactions where supposedly we are listening. First we have what the psychologist Tournier called “dialogue of the deaf”; others refer to it as “talking past each other.” What happens here are people who believe they are communicating with each other, but often a person will ask a question , then is immediately formulating another question before the recipient can complete responding to the first inquiry. Another example of this type of listening problem is where one person in the conversation is talking. The listener hears a “trigger word or phrase”. Example: Sue says “I made the greatest recipe last night. It was….” And before she can complete this statement, Mary says “Oh my gosh! I forgot to take out the frozen chops I’m planning to fix tonight”. While both Sue and Mary think they are listening to each other, they are engaged in the dialogue of the deaf.
Next we have the type of listening where one person, or maybe both, listens only to dispute/argue whatever has been said. That is debating, not listening!

Tomorrow: PART TWO of “Are You Listening”

Pat Goehe is a children’s author and birthmother. Her newest book is Annemarie and Boomer wait for Grandma.

Birthmother Guilt: The Daughter Dilemma

Tags

adoption, birthmother, Dual families, Fairness, grandchildren, Looking Back, Moving On, writing

Note from Elaine: Guest blogger Pat Goehe is a welcome contributor to The Goodbye Baby website. Meeting her daughter for the first time after 38 years was a life-changing experience. It has been 15 months since she first wrote about their reunion (http://bit.ly/1M2dGlW). Pat is now moving forward with personal goals, specifically writing projects. Her now-reunited daughter Linda is a mother. However, adoption reunions are not without complications. So much of a life spent in separation can produce feelings of guilt. As Pat tells it…

When I made the decision early in my pregnancy to put the  baby up for

Pat’s firstborn daughter was taken away from her after birth.

adoption, it was made with the best possible reasons at the time.  So why then do I experience something  that I can only label as guilt?
After several  years had passed since my daughter, Linda,  found me,  I was once again writing.  This time it was a new film script which I was really excited about.  My daughter was then working as an agent for film composers.  Never  would I have asked her to help me get an agent for the script,  but  she suggested it.  I remember feeling such  overwhelming  joy,  and yet something bothered me.  As it turned out, because of other problems, the script did not get completed before she gave up that profession and moved  to Texas .  My mixed joy and guilt left.
Years later I was doing my first documentary and in discussing it with her, she offered to do the packaging  along with information that I needed for the cover and insert.  She had prefaced her offer with the fact that I always said not to give me presents.  This was finally something she could do for me, and she  really wanted to help me on the project.  I felt pretty okay about this.
There have been times when I don’t hear from her  for many months.  My mind immediately goes to, “Why should she stay in touch?  After all, didn’t I give her up?”   At different times over the years I made that comment to her which was not something she liked.  It took me many, many years to realize that the daughter I actually raised often did not stay in touch either.   Both are busy with professions,

Years later, Pat and her daughter met for the first time.

family; it is my own crazy head that  kept feeling the guilt.
Recently I have been back to the “I need help” phase.   Never in my life  did I expect  to write a children’s picture book, but I have.  And now, I need help in the marketing.  This is again a skill area my daughter has.  At one point I broke down and called her to ask about one issue.  She gave me good information even though it was a very busy time professionally in her life.  Currently, I really could use her expertise and would love nothing more than to have her take over the marketing for this project.  But,  I won’t ask.   Why?  Because this book is all about my granddaughter  from the other daughter’s  family.  When I heard that granddaughter was complaining how Grandma had taken her two half brothers on many trips but she never got to go on any, I decided (because she’s a teenager these days and certainly wouldn’t enjoy a trip with me)  what greater gift of love could I give her than to write a book based on true happenings she and I shared when she was a toddler.   The reality is that I spent much time with that family over the years but not much time with the other.  So, how on earth could I ask L. to help me on this book?

It’s at times like this that I’ve learned to take a step or two back and rethink things.  Let’s face it.  Asking for help has always been difficult for me.  I’m the one who gives it!  I spent more time with the other family because it was needed then.  And that was the time when Linda was trying to desperately to get pregnant.   She did ask me later to come during a spring break and help out with childcare; I did.  I can develop skills I’ve had in the past;  they’re a bit rusty now!  Perhaps I just need to ditch the idea that I’m too old to do all of this.  I need to remember  that we can’t control outcome.  I have no idea when the book is published what  I may need to deal with.  I suspect no one will tell me if they were hurt  because of something I wrote in the book or perhaps left out or even that it wasn’t about them.  But then I’m equally certain Linda won’t feel that way.   I continue to treasure our relationship.

Pat Goehe is retired from a teaching career and devotes her time to fulltime writing. Her children’s book Annemarie and Boomer Wait for Grandma is now in production. She is the mother of two daughters and one son, and grandmother of four.

Message from a Birth Mom

Tags

adoptee, Attitude adjustment, birthmother, child adoptee, daughter, empower, Gratitude, healing, reunion, Searching

Editor’s Note: Mother’s Day has special meeting for Pat Goehe, who—after decades of waiting and wondering—finally met the daughter she’d never seen. The reunion was wonderfully rewarding, and it has greatly enriched her life. For anyone who is hesitant to seek a lost daughter or son, she recommends moving forward.

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As I started to write this piece I’m reminded of a Christmas song that begins something like “So this is Christmas and what have you done?”   That’s probably a bad version, but it is what sticks in my head.  Only now I want to say, “So this Mother’s Day,  and what have you done?”
Without question for a birth mother and the child she chose to give away, Mother’s Day is a troubling time for both.  Recently a former student of mine put on her Facebook Page, “Mother’s Day and where is mine………..”

There are times in our lives when we must consider whether to jump into the void or not.  Deciding to search for a child is just that,  a void.  There is no guarantee that the outcome will be positive or even productive.  But is it worth the jump?  Certainly one can go through life never searching, but it is Mother’s Day that tugs at our hearts.  Where is he/she?  Does she wonder about me?  Is he angry that I did the unforgivable and gave him away?  Would knowing the “why” help?  Does she look like me?  Could we be passing each other daily and not even know it?

Some of you probably have read my story of reunion.  Was it worth it?  Oh yes!  Would I do it again?  Without question.  I must confess that over the yeas if I don’t hear from her for a period of time, the voice inside of me says, “Well Pat, why should she stay in touch…you gave her away!”  But then she call or emails.  Recently I’ve learned to remind myself that those who I did raise often are lax about staying in touch as well.  Children get busy with their own lives.

Should you search for your child?  I can’t answer that for you.  Some may not want you to find them.  Some may want to take advantage of you.  You may want to take advantage of them.  So many possibilities but always a question mark.  The “abandonment issue” remains a constant problem for both mother and child and never so much as when Mother’s Day arrives each year.   As you think of all the possible outcomes along with the tremendous emotional turmoil involved, I would ask you to also think of this.  When you lay dying, will you still wonder where that child is?  Maybe now is the time to take the leap.

Pat Goehe knew that someday she would meet the daughter who was adopted out at birth

Better Late than Never

Tags

adoption, birthmother, Dealing with Adoption, Ireland, Judi Dench, Martin Sixsmith, Philomena, Searching, Steve Coogan, Unwed mothers

“We keep secrets until we no longer have the breath to utter them, and then they go to the grave with us.”
-Mma Sebina to Mma Ramotswe/ The Miracle at Speedy Motors by Alexander McCall Smith

Beyond questions about possible inherited health conditions, if you love your adoptive parents, why would you search for “the originals”? We need to know about our parents to fully realize ourselves. I found myself trying to explain this recently. The next day, to my astonishment, along came a movie that explained it far better than I could.
My friend Nan (not her real name) and I found ourselves both shopping at Trader Joe’s and the conversation fell to writing. She finished her first novel and it was with a literary agent. I mentioned that my last book was The Goodbye Baby-A Diary about Adoption.
“My daughter was adopted,” Nan confided, “but she doesn’t want to find out who her birthparents were.” I expressed my belief that even if an adoptee does not want to upset people or herself (or himself), it is important to meet and learn about birthparents. Parents, originals or adoptive, can become “late” in the blink of an eye, and when they are gone, they will be gone forever. Having lost both my birth parents and my adoptive mom and dad, I know this all too well.
It makes sense to meet the parents, to know where you started out, to overcome inhibitions or old wounds and to adjust to whatever circumstances decided your fate. (As opposed to wishing for what might have been.)
Right after my encounter with Nan, I saw the movie “Philomena.” The movie is based on Martin Sixsmith’s account of a true story. Played by Judi Dench, Philomena is an Irish teenager who got pregnant out of wedlock. She was sent to live with nuns. The 16-year-old is forced to work and allowed, as were all the unwed mothers at the Abbey, to see her son for a mere hour a day. Without warning, the son is adopted (actually, sold) to a wealthy American couple. Fifty years later, she longs to find him. She meets Sixsmith (played by Steve Coogan) and through a series of events ends up being the topic of Sixsmith’s journalism assignment: a human interest story based on the birthmother’s story.
The two comprise a very odd couple as Sixsmith joins Philomena in a journey to America to locate the son she hopes to find. It turns out that the quest is too late. To not give everything away, I’ll say simply that you must see the movie to learn why. Philomena’s expression of profound grief at the end conveys a powerful message: Do not wait.
    I hope my friend and her daughter will go to see this amazing portrayal of a true adoption story. Perhaps it will lead the daughter will change her mind about searching for her birthmother. That said, Philomena should be a must-see for adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, and anyone who enjoys a wonderful, beautifully-crafted film.

Adopting the Discipline of Gratitude

Tags

adoptee, adoption, Attitude adjustment, birthmother, Daily Practice, Deepak Chopra, Emotional landscape, Gratitude, Henri Nouwen

A walk outdoors inspires “gratitude awareness” training!

Resentment and gratitude cannot coexist, since resentment blocks the perception and experience of life as a gift…Gratitude as a discipline involves a conscious choice. I can choose to be grateful even when my emotions or feelings are still steeped in hurt and resentment.
-Henri Nouwen, Return of the Prodigal Son-A Story of Homecoming
As a “recovering adoptee,” I’ve struggled not to resent the fact that I was relinquished by my original mother. Yes, it was for the best, and yes, I loved my adoptive parents. But still, even after so many resolutions and endless reflection, I felt anger that my original family situation could never be right. Too many years spent harboring invisible wounds ground me down to an angry hopelessness.
Henry Nouwen’s words, quoted above, changed my life. Anyone can feel gratitude when things are going well, the weather is smiling, and people in your life are reliable and supportive. It’s easy to be grateful when that’s the case. However, like the weather, that sunshiny kind of situation never seems to last for long. Knowing that, I needed to cut through the gloom with daily routines that put me in control of my “emotional landscape.” It’s been said that gratitude is taking the worst moment of your life and turning it into a blessing.
In developing my gratitude muscles, I’ve found the following tools helpful. The first two mental routines are best practiced during a walk outdoors. The final process is to be done at day’s end.

STEPS TOWARD DEVELOPING THE DISCIPLINE OF GRATITUDE:
1. Walk your brain: This is a technique developed by my friend Beth, who leads a women’s Tuesday-morning brisk aerobic jaunt. After you’ve started walking, imagine a goal and think of five things  that will move you toward accomplishing it. The goal need not be lofty: Anything from a chore you’ve put off for too long to applying for a job or writing an overdue important letter. Name your intention and concentrate on the five steps to achieve that goal. Do this throughout your 15 or 30 minute walk, and put the plan into action right away.
2. This is another technique best practiced while strolling. Practice the “shake it off” mental housecleaning movement. When you find yourself dwelling on the dark side, shake either your right or left hand out into the air, as though shooing away pesky insects.
3. Every night before falling asleep, think of five things that you’re thankful for, events of that particular day or conditions of your life in general.
Indian-American author, physician, and New Age guru Deepak Chopra maintains that “a gift resides in every moment.” By practicing the discipline of gratitude, one can learn to see those gifts, to find an opportunity behind every problem, and to walk through the darkest hours and come out on the other side.

The Joy and the Sadness

Tags

"lost daughters", adoptee, Benefits, birthmother, Keeping Positive, Regrets, reunions

Editor’s Note: This is the fifth and final installment of birthmother Pat Goehe’s

Pat’s life is now enhanced by both daughter and a new granddaughter

accounting of a reunion with the daughter she’d never met. Like layers of an onion, each addition to her story revealed more of what’s “underneath.” Pat’s constructive attitude and refusal to let “might have been” hold her back: these are an inspiration to me, an adoptee whose reunion with my birthmother was actually not fulfilling. I have learned a great deal from “journeying” with Pat, and it is our hope that her story is an inspiration to those still searching – lost sons and daughter, birthmothers and fathers, adoptive parents or parents-to-be.

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In Pat’s words…
Some of the most difficult things I had to, and actually at times, continue to have to deal with about this whole experience relate to my decision not to see my baby after she was born.

First, the Doctor involved told me I had the choice of whether to see the baby after she was born or not.  He discussed that seeing the baby for the time I was in the hospital might make it more difficult to give her up.  I thought about this decision for some time.  Knowing myself as I did, I knew if I saw her, I probably couldn’t give her up.  So I elected not to see her.   When she found me many years later, one of the questions she asked me was, “Where was I from the time you gave birth to when my adoptive parents brought me home?”
It seemed that this was very important to her.  But, what could I tell her?  Only what I had been told.  The baby would be with someone for a short period of time and then given to the adoptive couple.  But where or who that was, I did not know.

Also, the fact that I never saw her, haunted me later because of the “lack of bonding” for her.  I remember at one point a nurse started to bring her into my room and I immediately said, “No, I’m not to see her.”
In retrospect, I don’t know if I would have changed that.  I do believe I would have had the difficulty giving her up.  But seeing Linda as she asked that, I could tell how horrible that must have been.  No bonding, abandonment issues, and on and on.

The social worker came to my hospital room before I was dismissed and before she got the baby to deliver her to a home until adoption.  While I have always been an emotional person, I was not prepared for the surge of emotion which came over me.  I cried steadily with the social worker there for what must have been close to an hour.

I moved on with my life and was content that I had done the right thing, and that my daughter was going to a family who couldn’t have children.  I was giving them a wonderful gift.  It was not until I had the experience in my workshop that I thought anything else.

The only advice I might give to birth mothers would be that we make the best decision we can at the time.  Then we live with it and deal with whatever happens in the future.  One can’t go back and “redo” that decision.  I was fortunate to have, so to speak, a “happy ending”.  From Linda’s work with ALMA (Adoption Liberty Movement Association), I know that isn’t always the case.  She told me some very sad stories.  On one occasion when I was in LA she was to meet with a birth mother and asked if I’d be willing to go along as well.  I agreed.  This Mom’s story was the daughter found her.  She had sent a letter and  a picture and wanted to meet her birth Mom.  This Mom in telling us her story said she didn’t want to meet her.  She talked of having “married up” and now had two adult sons and life was good.  She showed us the picture.  Her daughter was covered with tattoos.  The Mother said, “I just can’t tell my sons about her.  I rose from  the trailer trash I was, and I can’t see my current family being destroyed.”    Later I asked Linda what had happened.  This Mom and daughter corresponded  for several years and eventually the Mom flew out to be reunited.

My Mother had a saying “Just give it time.”   That was her advice and I find myself using it often.  I also find myself shedding a tear each time I hear, “Somewhere out

there……..”

The Birthday Party – Part III

Tags

adoption, Birth Mother, Birthday celebrating, birthmother, Extended families, Grandparents, reunion

Much later I realized how difficult it must have been for Linda to see all those pictures

Pat looks back on dealing with the reunion as it affected both families

to meet her real Grandma and Grandpa but not as their granddaughter. I began to make plans the following year for a surprise dinner party in Los Angeles for Linda’s birthday. I had a former student who was living out there make a reservation at Barrymore’s Restaurant and also get in touch with Linda’s boyfriend, soon to be husband, Joe. I contacted my son who was then living in the Bay area. By then he knew about Linda. I wanted him to come for the party. Linda knew I was coming to LA for my Ojai group but she didn’t know I was coming in earlier for her birthday…the first time since her birth that we would be together on that date.
I wish I could say that my daughter and son were now very connected with Linda, but they aren’t. There have been some attempts but I have come to realize you can’t force things like that. I did decide to tell my Mom before I went out for the birthday party. It was one of the hardest things I had to do. My Mom’s comment was “Oh Pat. I can’t tell Dad this. He could have a heart attack. He wouldn’t understand. I don’t understand.” She later wrote me a letter and I told her the issue was closed. Silly me. My Mom was such a great lady. Someone who always adored the many grandchildren and later great grandchildren. In my mind I could see her sending a beautiful card and letter for Linda’s birthday. I later realized that it wasn’t fair to expect anyone to go with the news rapidly. After all, how long had it taken me to deal with this. But, I am glad I did tell my Mother. Now many members of my family and friends know about Linda. They always want to know if we’re close. And we are in so many ways. She had two brothers and a sister, all adopted. They and her extended family are very close. When she married her husband I told her early in the planning stages that while I would love to be there, I felt it would be inappropriate. She was grateful that I made this decision. But, on the day of her wedding, both she and I talked later about wishing we were there together. I happened to be in the LA area when her daughter was born and held her as my new grandchild. Her adoptive parents have been wonderful. I always received a note in a Christmas card each year. They are up in age with health issues now. One of Linda’s brothers have passed on. While she isn’t closely connected to my extended family, she feels free to share with me the ups and downs of hers. Over the years there are times when I feel we haven’t been in touch. My mind always jumps to “Well for heaven’s sake; you gave her up what do you expect?” Linda hates that. She is just a very busy and successful professional woman and Mom. (To be continued. Tomorrow: “Thinking Back”)