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adoptee, adoption, adoption child, celebrity adoption, diary, discover, empower, family, healing, national adoption awareness month, national adoption month, New Mexico, reading, separation, wounded, writing
Let me count the ways…
Ever since the publication of The Goodbye Baby: A Diary about Adoption— I am honoring the importance of November as National Adoption Month. This recognition feels positive, and the publication of my memoir is a way of bringing the month alive.
Elaine and her favorite baby.
My November focus on adoption has brought a seismic shift in attitude. Rather than something to hide, adoption is now a status to acknowledge, embrace, explore and celebrate. After years of playing down my growing up as an adoptee, I am now highlighting it. In the process, I have become aware of how many variations exist around the word “adoption.”
First of all, the adoption of a child is usually considered a positive action, bringing a young child from instability to security. From foster care (or no care at all) to a home with Mom and Dad, two Mommies or two Daddies or a single parent. It might be an aunt and uncle, grandparents or even neighbors who take in the orphaned or unwanted. But the point is that the child has a better chance in life with a parent or parents who choose to take on parenting.
I’m not saying that all adoptions are totally successful. Sometimes the child’s invisible injuries, feelings of abandonment, unanswered questions or feelings of inadequacy never heal. Still, there is hope. I recently attended an adoption discussion group that included members from every part of the triad: birthparents, adoptees, and adoptive parents. It seemed that participants were disappointed about failed communication, painful misunderstandings or less than wonderful reunions.
The Author with her favorite youngster
On the other hand, the mothers, fathers, sons and daughters in the meeting were supportive and understandingtoward one another. Stories were shared and support was abundant. The group members “adopted” each other and provided comfort.
Perhaps adoption is only as positive as the adoptee makes it. Personally, I’ve expanded my idea of adoption. When I awaken in the morning, I choose to adopt an “attitude of gratitude.” Most days, I walk for an hour or hike in the mountains, taking in the lovely northern New Mexico scenery. I find myself energized and inspired, having “adopted” nature around me.
When deer wander into the back yard to enjoy apples that have fallen from my beneficent tree, I symbolically “adopt” them. The two magnificent bucks I’ve named “Jake” and “Fred” were recently jousting, heads down, right outside my living room window. I never get over my surprise at these visitors from the forest. Could it be that they have “adopted” me rather than the other way around?
Jake, the deer who came to dinner.
What I have learned this November is that life is far richer than I thought possible. The adoption that happened to me at the beginning set my life in motion. For the first two thirds of that life, I suffered feelings of abandonment. As I’ve mentioned in previous essays, I finally decided to “adopt” myself. I shook off chains of the past and started to live in the present. It may sound overly dramatically, but it’s true.
A question for adoptees, adoptive parents and birth parents interested in a whole month dedicated to adoption: What are YOU learning from this focus? What are YOUR possibilities?
Hi Elaine. Glad to discover your blog. I’m not an adoptee, but I am a memoir writer and blogger. Happy to have you comment on Annette Gendler’s post today.
Great idea to link your new memoir to National Adoption Month. Have you been able to interest any reporters in interviewing you on this subject? Should be a natural for them.
Hi Shirley,
Thank you for getting back to me! Happy to see that we share the same interest and passion for memoir writing/blogging. The blog world is still kind of new to me (as you may have noticed) but I am trying to keep up with it.
Thank you for the recommendation regarding reporters. I have been in contact with a few smaller publications down here in Santa Fe, so I am getting the ball rolling, got to start somewhere!
Glad I found your blog. Looking forward to more of your work, and thank you so much for getting back to me!
Hi Elaine,
I like this idea you bring up of “adopting yourself” and being able to embrace that newly later in life. I still find myself in the painful parts, feeling angry and uncertain often. However, I have always had a strange kind of independence, as if I had claimed myself long ago. I like your language on this.
Adoption allows me to celebrate chosen family. The people I am closest to are not biological family, but that’s never been a limit for me. I love that freedom.
Thank you for your writing.
Hi Heather, It seems that letting go of unrealistic expectations and remaining freshly hopeful requires a determination, a fine balance. Yes, no matter how evolved we are, we still find ourselves in the painful parts. I’ve found that being an OBSERVER of the painful parts and knowing that this too will pass is strengthening, empowering, and often uplifting. Not explaining this very well, but I hope you know that feeling. Friends, one might even say, are the new family.